Tuesday, June 28, 2016

I Am Struggling With Change.

Today I am sort of at a loss. Not that today is anything special, it's not a holiday, not an anniversary, not any meaningful day for me in particular. It's just one of those days where I feel loss. I miss my family today. I miss those members of my family that are no longer with me. My grandparents, my mother, my nephew.

But I also miss my family that is still around, alive and kicking. My family is moving on, moving in separate, new directions. What once was holding us together (in my opinion, at least) can now be a source of tension. Where once it seemed like there was unity, there is now division. Where I turn for peace, many members of my family now turn away in.... Anger? Contempt? Disillusionment? Fear? Condescension? I personally find the "new" direction to be dissatisfying and disappointing. It seems to have little meaning or purpose. It seems to be self serving and close minded, while proclaiming it's open-mindedness.Maybe they feel the same way about me?

I also miss my family who lives farther away than I can drive in a day. I don't get to see them often enough, but I don't enjoy where they live. And I wonder sometimes if they even still like me, as a person. I will be the first to admit that I am not the easiest person to get along with. My wife can attest to that, but overall, I feel like I am a good person. I wonder how much my family and I still have in common? What is left that really, truly binds us together? Visits are few and far between. Phone calls just as rare. I know some of my family is struggling right now, and I want to be there to lend support, but is the support I know how to lend even wanted? I don't know, because I feel like they are different now, and don't see things the way I see, don't find peace in the way I do.

There is a hymn at church that I  feel like I can relate to right now:

Where can I turn for peace? 
Where is my solace, when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, I draw myself apart, searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows, when I languish, in my need to know... Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who? Who can understand?

He, only one.